An Emotional Day

This weekend was rough, I was blessed with the stomach virus that Ellie had last week...joy...not!

Anyway 8 months ago today was one of the worst days of my life. My mom had been sick for many years with breathing problems from smoking and the auto parts business that she ran by herself basically since 1973, I was in kindergarten.

Mom had been going to Cleveland Hospital every 6 months or so for testing to see if she was able to get on the lung transplant list/program. They had given her 5 years max to live. I have never understood that but I guess that is why they get paid the big bucks. I was always taught God was the only one to know when we would go. They would always tell her she wasn't sick enough, that was in her words. I would always say I think that would be a blessing that she wasn't near as sick as she could be. Boy did we all learn that was so true.

In August of 2004 she went to the hospital with extreme abdominal pain. Her husband's first reaction was to take her to Cleveland but that is 6 hours away,way too far with the pain that she was in. Finally after a day or so of her getting what tests the small hospital she was in did they decided she needed to go to Indianapolis, an hour away. They didn't want to do anything with her with her breathing problems they way they were. Too risky, we all agreed!

So she and her husband got in the car with her filled with some major pain meds, to go to Indianapolis, it was an hour away.

I am not sure how long she was there but they decided to do biopsies and what should have been a simple yet timely procedure would turn out to be very life changing for all of us.

She was in surgery for many hours, we were told beforehand that if it was past a certain time frame that she was in that it was probably cancer. It was. It was ovarian cancer. Her oncologist was Olive Soreiero. A very laid back lady, just looked like your average person, not a wonderful cancer doctor.

I am not sure what stage she was at but it was thought that it was caught before it had spread too far. She would be in the hospital for a few eeks, it should have normally been a few days. Her breathing did do wonderful compared to her problems but the skill of the doctors did help. It was a possibility that she would be on a vent but she did well enough not to. God was with her!

My lil Ellie was only 6 weeks old but we stayed out there as much as possible. We thought she would benefit from the day long visits, I like to think it helped. I had to do what I could to help, after all it was my mom.

Mom ended up getting chemo. She did do pretty well considering what chemo does to a person. She lost her hair, got a wig and hats and did very well.

Eventually mom had to go back because the doc wanted to do another round of chemo and insurance would only pay for it if there were more cancer cells, or a single cell. She would once again have many biopsies but not a cell to be found. Thank God!

The years after that were rough with her breathing. She would continue to work although on oxygen. If a customer would come in she would rip the oxygen tube off and just act like nothing was wrong. People knew, it is a small town after all. I told them too. Why be ashamed to need oxygen to breathe? So many people do. If it helps then do it. Eventually she didn't have a choice. So many people thought it was the can cancer but she was in remission finally.

Mom would get very sick in the winter time. An average cold to me and you would be a week or so in the hospital for her. Every time she would take longer and longer to get better. It got to the point where she would miss work. Work was her life. She had some really great friends that would come in to see her. I would spend as much time as I could there to help, she could only do so much.

Christmas day 2007. This was a VERY rough day. Mom wasn't the same as usual. She had sevre pain in her back. We knew she had yet another broken vertebrae from the meds draining every last bit of nutrition from her. She would fall asleep just sitting in the chair while the kids opened their gifts. Santa ALWAYS delivered the kids' gifts to grandma and grandpa Bud's house. They knew things were not right but knowing my mom didn't want a thing to be different and definitely NO attention on her.

Christmas wasn't the same anymore anyway, 2 years before my fun Grandma Marge has passed away from cancer. It as all through her and she wasn't strong enough to go through chemo. A call at 7 am that Christmas morning told us she was gone. We all went to her house that day anyway and acted like nothing was wrong, it was quiet but still laughter filled the air. She would have wanted it that way!

Back to mom. I am not too sure of the timeline from Christmas on but Mom was in the hospital lots. She had many procedures done to fix the fractures to her spine. That doctor was the best!

I was telling my husband that I thought mom was overdosing on her meds. She was on the bad stuff. Lack of oxygen would cause her to be disoriented and I was really worried that she was over medicating. I took her to the ER once and I told them. They didn't do anything, just made sure to give her a schedule of when to take her meds. I wanted to only give her her meds that she needed for that day but I needed help. I do have 3 kids and a baby I was and still am watching. I guess I didn't do enough. But her husband sat at the bar every night. I guess that is how he dealt with it.

On February 5, 2008, my uncle Ron picked Mom up from from the hospital for little did we know the last time. I was at my grandmas and got a call from Ron that he needed help getting her into the house because she fell going up the step and he couldn't get her. It was cold and raining and just down right awful out. I was there in 5 or so minutes to help. She was so weak and so depressed. I helped her change into dry clothes and got her settled once again. I would come back later. She was not in a good mood, not that I could blame her but it was getting to the point that I was taking it personally. She wanted her cpap that she had been fighting insurance for hooked up. I was so upset at how miserable she was I told her that Tom, my husband would come by to do it later. She said to just forget it and I told her he would be there it was not a problem. I wanted to make sure he did it right as I had no clue how. The last thing she eve said to me was she was just tired of it.

Tom went and hooked it up. Her husband called after he got home, at my request, so I could show him how to operate it. She was on the couch asleep. He woke her up after I left to get her to bed.

Let me go back a week or so to when I told my friend I had a feeling she was going to pass on the anniversary of my best grandpa, her dads, passing. I told her I had this feeling she would go 2/9, I hated that I felt that way but I couldn't get it out of my mind.

After Tom went and hooked up her cpap he came home and told me she said she was tired of me helping her. I didn't do a lot, thinking back wish I could have done more, but yeah I was tired, worried and most of all very stressed. It was the hardest thing seeing my mom struggle for every breath no matter what anyone did. My mom and I were not close until she got really bad, I would say we were close the last year or so of her life. She told me secrets, that to anyone else were no big deal but for her to open up to me made me feel great.

I was very upset that Tom told me she didn't want me to help her so much anymore so I thought "fine I wont go to her house to check on her first thing in the morning." I would always call or go to her house just to make sure she was ok. It was the least I could do. I remember February 5th like it was yesterday. I called her husband to check on her because remember I wasn't going to since she didn't want me to. He said she had a rough night, hated the cpap. He had got her up to take her morning meds and she said she wanted him to come back later to take her to work. He tried calling her many times but she didn't answer. That could have meant she just didn't want to talk or she was asleep. She would always call back right after anyway, I think she felt guilty. So I told him I would try to call but she never answered my calls either. I got the baby, played a bit with Ellie and baby. I talked to my friend Angie on the phone for quite a while and we decided to go to lunch. I drove to where we were to meet but I just had this uneasy feeling. I drove through the parking lot twice and just couldn't stop. I had to go check on mom after all how could I sit and eat lunch not knowing if she needed something. By this time it was 1pm. I decided to drive to go check on her. As I was going I passed Angie and motioned to her I would be there shortly.

I get to mom's and walked in, she was not at her usual spot at the kitchen table. I figure she was on the couch. As I walked to the living room I saw her knelt by her side of the bed. I thought oh no she has fallen again. I said "Mom do you need help up?" Her back was to me, that is what it looked like. I touched her and she fell back, her lips were blue and the oxygen tube was off. I scream and screamed some more.

I called Bud at work and was hysterical, told him she was gone. I called Angie and told her same. Then I called 911. They asked usual questions but all I wanted to do was scream. I thought I had killed my mom.

My mom was only 58 and we buried her 5 days later. It is not fair she died alone but God wanted it that way I guess or it would have been different.

My life will never be the same...

My father in law passed a year ago today 10-6-07
My mom passed 2-6-08
My grandpa 2-9-00
My mother in law exactly 5 weeks after mom 5-12-08
My ex boyfriends mom, which was also one of my best friends passed 6-22-08
My grandpa Dode passed in June, so bad I can't remember the date

I am just tired and sad...

God pleased help me deal wth this, I know only you have the power. I love you and thank you for all you do for us.